24 candles...

Seriously. This is going to be quick because I am at work, but, today has been amazing. Every time I get a text or Facebook notification and read it, I am overwhelmed with love for my friends. Each and every one of you are so amazing and I am so so so so so blessed. Today I wondered what I ever did to deserve a life this amazing. I have never felt more lucky and blessed. Thank you all for the birthday wishes.

Cheers to 24...
Bigger cheers to a brand new year of nothing but awesomeness.

xoxo

being strong for everyone except myself...and I just want my daddy

Do you ever feel like you carry everyone else’s problems, grief, thoughts and lives on your shoulders? Do you ever feel completely defeated, like you have been strong for everyone for so long and finally, you are breaking? But really you aren’t breaking because hardly any of these things you've been carrying are yours. Yet you still feel broken. A thousand pieces broken. As much as I hate to say it, I needed this. We all need this. We need to pick up the pieces and go forward. I need a clean slate. A fresh and new start. After all, some days, just breathing is okay.

xx

why...

My whole life- nothing has gone the way I have seen or wanted it to go. In fact, lately, it has gone exactly the opposite. I don't even know how to swallow any of it. Process it. Or accept it.

:(

if it was a snake it would have bit me...

The worst feeling ever?

Not noticing something that is right in front of your face before its too late.

Hmpfh.

please dont go....

I feel like such a baby. I don’t know why this is so hard. Was it this hard last time and I just don’t remember? 

It feels like yesterday that my dad decided to join the army...(Has it really been 6 years?! AH) I still remember when he told me he was going to join, I remember questioning his sanity and until recently, I didn’t realize the sacrifice that he and everyone else give up. The willingness to give your life for strangers is something I cannot even fathom. My dad’s days here are numbered. He is leaving for Africa in just 2 weeks. I wish I could stop time and make these next two weeks crawl by. The reality that my dad and best friend will be gone for the next 12 months makes me fucking sick. I know, I know, thousands of men, women, mom, dad, children, grandchildren, okay you get my point, leave for war every day. People have been fighting for years. But this is my dad and I am left speechless. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to go to bed every night and wonder if he’s okay. I don’t want to wake up every day wondering if he is okay. Wondering what little asshole has tried to hurt him or if he's slept. The past few weeks of my little world have been dark and pretty ugly. My attitude, everything has just really sucked. I miss him already. I don't know how to maximize the next two weeks. And I don’t have anyone I can really relate to. I don’t have military 'brat' friends. I have friends whose husbands are gone but I don’t relate to that. I don’t have a husband. I don’t know what it’s like to love a husband. I know what it’s like to love your dad. I don’t like hearing, well I heard its safe over there now...or, well he has people watching over him. Yeah you may be right, but you may be wrong. Those little phrases do not change how I feel and if anything they actually make me feel worse. There are no words that can take away what I feel.

I am so proud of my dad. I hope that someday I can find someone who is half of the man that he is. I hope he knows how great he is. I love you daddy and I miss you already.
X

breaking.point.uglyness.

I wish I could say my life is full of rainbows, unicorns and gumdrops. Maybe it is and I am just being a brat. Maybe it is and I just don't see it because I refuse to. But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe this time in my life is to test me, my strength and well being. I have been sick for what seems like 3 months now. I am exhausted, hardly sleep and feel like nothing can go my way. The worst part? I cant figure out why I feel this way. I have everything I could ever want but feel empty. I constantly think that I am not doing good enough or I could be doing better. I want instant results on everything and not getting 'instant'--it drives me crazy. My friends...my friends. I feel like were all at these super crazy stages in life. Some are married, babies, buying houses. Or in crazy relationships. Then there's me- which I have no problem with. I have too many internal issues I need to sort out before I try and date someone but its weird to see where I am at as opposed to everyone else. I am so tired of school I seriously debated quitting. WHY would I ever quit when I am this close to finishing? Seriously. I think I am having my quarter life crisis. WHAT.


PS. Whoa, has it really been almost two months since I have wrote on this lovely little blog?! Crazy.
xx

a silver lining in the darkest cloud.

I love all the beautiful people in my life. I love how they come in to my life, make it beautiful with their presence and love that I am lucky enough to have them in my life...(what did I ever do to get so lucky?) That being said, I believe I have truly met an angel here on earth, as cliche and dumb as that 'phrase' is. I know there will be a time when I feel is right to tell this person what she has taught me, shown me and done for me and my life. For now though, I feel best writing a little letter here:)

-----,

I don't want you to think I am writing this letter because of circumstances you've been faced with. But, I guess those circumstances are what have made me self reflect and realize how you've impacted me and my life. I can never repay you for the life lessons you have taught me. I can never fully explain how you've taught me to open my eyes and see a new way. I will always admire and challenge myself to be more like you. You came into my life at a time when I needed you. Exactly you. I didn't realize it until recently, but after realizing it, you could not have came at a more perfect time. Sometimes I struggle with the whole bigger power, God idea, but then, I think about how you were perfectly placed in my life and the impact you've had. It reminds me and gives me hope that there is something greater out there that placed you in my life...or me in yours;). It leaves me speechless. Really though, all I wanted to do in this letter is say thank you. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. More importantly than that, thank you for teaching me to believe in myself again. Thank you for pushing me to fight for what I believe is right. Thank you for always listening (or pretending to listen;)) to my endless hours of rants, silly attitudes, vent sessions and bad jokes. Thank you for showing me that there are good, beautiful souls left in this world. Thank you for being you, always. No matter who is around or what is happening. Thank you for showing me strength when I couldn't find it. Thank you for always being honest with me and telling me things that I might not have wanted to hear, but that I needed to hear. Thank you for showing me what a strong, independent and beautiful woman can do. You inspire me. You set my soul on fire and give me motivation to try harder, be a better person and never give up. You truly are my hero and I hope that someday I can inspire someone the way you have to me. You are one of a kind. I hope you know how beautiful and bright you are in this dark and crazy world. I can never repay for the things you have taught me but thank you, again and again and again.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

xoxoxoxox

notitle.

Last week in church the pastor talked about when people get desperate...when people get desperate they reach for anything. When he said this, I sort of thought about a few times I had been desperate, had I 'reached' for things? I couldn't really think of any times that I had personally done this. Hmmm. Pondered and pondered. I thought about a few of my family members who might have done something like this. Until last night, I realized that his statement, is grossly true. When anyone gets desperate they reach for all the wrong things. Being desperate wont bring you anything you need or truly want...So why not turn to Jesus when were feeling desperate?....

no words.

I have so much to say but no words to say them...

Miss Independent.

My Mama is amazing for a lot of reasons...she sent me this today...I had to share it.

I believe every time we feel frustration it means we've really stopped relying on God. That might sound like a bold statement to you, but think about it: God's given you and me his Holy Spirit and His grace to help us walk through anything that comes our way. Frustration hits when we stop depending on Him and try to make something happen our own way.

I struggle with this. A lot. I am so independent I try to handle everything on my own. I need to work on this.

hello feb!

I am so excited for this month...maybe just because Jan is FINALLY over.

Even if you think that a certain situation is totally cut and dried, you are going to need to stay open to the possibility that others don't see things that way on the 1st. If you do manage to stay generally open to the perspectives of others, you could stand to gain a real insight into the topic at hand, which could well be more complex -- and richer -- than you originally thought. Do your best! By the oh-so-persuasive 5th, you are just incredibly persuasive! In fact, there's not much you can't convince others to do for you. Use your power wisely! You are in planning mode on the 9th, and you're enjoying it. By the 13th, 14th and 15th, there's almost nothing that isn't going just right! Make sure you get in a couple of nice, long swims to round things off right. Why not redecorate on the 20th and 21st? Whether it's your home or your office or your rock band's touring van, if you want to change things up, you should go for it! You must, must, must work out on the 25th and 26th. Otherwise, that aggression will find a less helpful outlet. A new relationship? Leap on in on the 29th.

anchor.

next tattoo. yes.

thank you...

It blows my mind that its so easy for you to just walk away.

No matter how sad and heart broken it makes me, after all said in done I can only thank you.

Thank you for teaching me to cherish my true friends.
Thank you for teaching me to never walk out on anyone.
Thank you for making me realize, once again, everyone and everything can change so fast.

seventeen-hundred-and-fifty-three-hours.

73		days
1753		hours
105209		minutes

Hurry up March 10th...

hello 2012, its nice to meet you...

Everyone is so excited for a 'new start'. I posted on my Facebook yesterday how it was only 3 days into the new year and it sucked already. I woke up this morning feeling like a fucktard. I thought to myself how stupid I was to think and post that...really, 3 days in and you are already giving it a bad name? NO you aren't!Everyday is a new start. Seriously. Every single day I wake up. A new day. A new clean slate. That being said, I do like the idea of the new year because it brings reflection. It is a good start and ending point. I have so much to be thankful for in 2011. I decided to name it my 'year of me, year of growth'. That is exactly what I did. I spent the whole year learning about myself and growing. I realize every year is going to have its ups and downs, there is no way around it. It is how we handle these events and learning to balance the highs and lows. Not everyday is going to be glitter and rainbows, we are all going to have those shitty ass rain, mud, fuckyoufuckoff days, its inevitable.

That being said, I spent a few days deciding on what I would try and improve on this year. Fear. I let the fear of things get the best of me, more times than not. Fear of failing, falling, rejection, whatever form the fear comes as, it usually wins. Not anymore. This year I will not live in fear. I will do things that scare me, things that test me, things that I shouldn't but I will anyways because I am not going to let the fear of something stop me from living my life.

I am not one for 'resolutions' so instead I made a 2012 "bucket list" things I want to do. They might look like resolutions or goals to you, but they are just things I want to do.

• Skydive
• Road trip (anywhere, I am talking get in the car one Thursday night and drive somewhere for the weekend, get in and goooo!)
• Run a half marathon
• Learn to shoot a gun
• Get another tattoo
• Take a dance class
• Save money just to buy myself something nice
• Spend more time with my grandparents
• Do something crazy and fun with my hair
• Volunteer 100 hours, homeless shelters, classrooms, hospitals
• Try new restaurants
• Meet my goal weight

Obviously this list will be added to and adjusted as the year goes on. Here is to a year full of happiness, friendship, love, laughter and most importantly, LIVING WITHOUT FEAR.

the happiest of endings...

Ahhh December. It was almost a year ago when I recieved news. Saddest news ever. At the time my world was crashing down. What about my happy ending? Why me? But in the end, I had the happiest ending of them all. And I couldn't be more thankful that everything happened the way it did.

I did it.

I have had a whole year to myself.

When I broke up with hewhomustnotbenamed I told myself that I would give myself one year to be by myself. To discover me. To live for me. To be happy for myself. To learn a new life that didn't include someone. A life that was about self, discovery and being my own person. I made a promise I would do this because I don't want to ever be at that point in my life again. I needed to know I could just 'be' me. When you are kicked down so low, you question a lot of things and I had to do something to promise myself I could and would get out of that dark and nasty place by myself. A lot of people have questioned what I am doing. I don't though. I can honestly say I took that low point in my life and have made myself the happiest ending I can imagine. I have grown so much in this year. I am so much stronger. I have a whole new outlook on life. So as sad as last December was for me, now I can only apprecaite it. I love that I can look back and see where I have came from this last year. So far. So freaking far. And I am proud.

So what does this mean now? I have done what I wanted to do. And last night I was thinking about the day I laid in bed crying, wishing I could disappear into the air. Wishing I could forget it all. Wondering what I had done wrong. The day I made a promise I would be fine and I would learn to be alone and find my own happiness. I've finally picked up all the pieces. Every one of them. Now I am whole. I am new. I am me.

What do I do now? Start over and never forget where I came from. 

Hello world, here I am. New. Ready. Excited.

Watch out.



breaking point...

A few days or weeks, I don't know how long ago I posted a picture. It was about no shame November. It was about writing something that left you shaking. That was breaking the rules. Something that hit home. That opened you up. I have finally reached a breaking point today.

Here we go...hold on tight.

My brother is a drug addict. It is not something me or my family tell people. It is not something I am proud of. It is heartbreaking. Watching him destroy his life and essential kill himself is fucking heartbreaking. I have never cried so many tears in my life until all of this came about. Let me give you a background.

Skyler was born when I was just hardly two years old. I was so proud to be a big sister. I obviously don't remember but in every picture of him and I, I am beaming. There is a picture where he is laying on my lap, weighing more than I at just a few weeks old and I am so content, sitting there hold MY baby brother in my arms. He was such a big boy. Such a big heart. My family was the perfect family. My parents are and will always be the perfect parents. My mama stayed home while we were in school. She cleaned house, did our laundry and always walked and met us at the buss stop. There is not one day that we got off the buss and had her waiting for us, asking us how our day was and having a snack ready when we walked in the door. My dad worked. He had (has) the perfect job, he was off by 5 which meant he never missed anything we did. We went to church on Sundays, had tons of family time and were ALWAYS showered in love. Sounds amazing, right? It was. I had the happiest childhood of anyone I know. I know I am lucky. I know I am so fucking lucky. I am thankful. I can never repay them. Ever.


My dad was being deployed my Sophomore year of college. My mama did so good at taking care of us while he was gone. She was a super mom. I fucked it up. I remember it like it was yesterday. Its all so real. So raw. So heartbreaking. My mom must have used her super mama powers to know something was going on but she had Skyler take a drug test. When I was in High School, this was never an issue. I had never even seen one. Drugs? Really? I remember Skyler coming into my room, he looked sick. He was upset, so concerned...over what? He sat on my bed, talked to me very casually. Then asked me a question..."Kailee, I need you to take my drug test for me. I smoked last week with a few friends and I know I messed up (insert tears here) I am so sorry. I cant do this to mom right now. I cant do it to dad. I need your help. Please Kailee, just this once, please help me". Well holy fuck. Okay, Skyler, I will take the test for you but I swear to God...You know where this is going, right? Good, I won't continue that...

Skyler was graduating. My dad got his leave in perfect time to see him graduate High School. I was so happy. I hadn't thought anymore about the drug test, it was a one time thing and even though deep down I was always kind of worried about it, I never had the balls to say a word. I didn't want to stress my dad out, I didn't want my mom to think she was being a bad mama while he was gone. She had so much to handle why should she be bothered with his one little slip up? Fuck, seriously? This is why you aren't a parent to an 18 year old when you are only 20 yourself...

Skyler is tall. He got offered a scholarship to go play college at Bellevue College. I was so proud of him. He had worked to hard his whole life. He so deserved it. His hard work was paying off! I remember crying one night because I was so proud of how far he had come. So many people would KILL for his opportunity. Skyler moved to Bellevue...He wasn't there long before he was kicked out of his first house for drugs. His landlord found a broken bong in his trash can. No big deal, it was his friends...right? Second chance. Skyler moved into his own apartment. He let people sleep on his couch and smoked non stop. He quit caring about everyone. He quit calling. Texting. He got a girlfriend he mostly treated like shit. He was always high. He continued to play basketball. Two years pissed away because he was so busy getting high. We had our moments but the worst was yet to come.

After the season Skyler moved home where he was placed into out patient treatment. I was so happy and proud of him for taking such a big step. He was going to get clean, he was going to be my loving, caring, courageous, crazy brother again.  We could finally be our little trio again. I was learning to trust him. Boy was I blind. Skyler spent most of his out patient smoking. He was sneaking out, getting high, coming back and doing it again. He was fucking sketchy. He was lying. He was a straight up asshole. I remember laying in bed one night this summer, crying, remember how awesome he was. He was such a good person. He has such a big heart. And drugs have robbed him. They have taken it all. No, they haven't taken it. They've frozen it in time. A good heart doesn't just disappear. Or so I would like to believe for the sake of my own tears.

It wasn't too long after that when my parents told him he could go to impatient or leave the house and go about his ways. They gave him a choice. A or B. Stay or Go. He chose to go. Oh my gosh, this had to be it! He really was going to get better. I was over joyed. I promised to go visit him. It was the first family weekend, he was embarrassed so just my mama and dad went. I was so anxious for my turn to go see him. The next weekend Tanner and I went. It was so nice to see him. He was so excited to see us. He was full of life. He was goofy, talkative, friendly, he was Skyler. Finally. He is back.

Skyler graduated impatient early. I was nervous for him. I worried. I care about my brothers more than I care about anyone. They are like my babies. I hate when they get hurt. I hate when people say or do things to them. It hurts me just as bad. I tried to protect Skyler from everything. I was so nervous he would be around the wrong people. Then I remember the weekend my parents were out of town and he smoked. I puked I was so disappointed. I felt like I could have done something. Something I could have said would have stopped him from doing it.

My dad kicked Skyler out. My mom cried the entire time he packed. He was homeless. It was heartbreaking. They had to kick their son out because he cant follow their rules. I secretly wished my dad was just kidding. There had to be one more thing we could do to help him. We couldn't give up on him now, he had been doing so good. It was just once. It wasn't. A harsh reality hit.

Skyler went from being a stud to a fucking homeless drug addict. He had a near 4.0 in high school. He played college basketball. Where is he now? Living with more drug addicts. Sleeping on their living room floor. Smoking. Drinking. Not having any money. Can't keep a job. No car. And worse, a crumbling relationship with his family.

Do you not see it Skyler? Do you not see what you are doing to mom and dad? To you and I's relationship? Do you not see your world fucking crumbling into a million pieces? What the fuck is it going to take for you to realize what you are doing? Are you blind? How much lower can your life get? I don't get it dude. We were raised perfectly. We were given everything. Fucking EVERYTHING.

I am so tired of seeing them sad because your choosing to be a loser. Because really, that is what you are choosing. They think this is their fault. Does that make you feel good? It shouldn't. The focus is always on your drug use. Everything. I hate it.

I want my baby brother back. I want the tall big teddy bear to give me a hug. I want to feel your warm caring heart. I want to know you. I want you to call me. I want you to text me. I want you to be genuine. I want it back.

Is there something I could have done to change this? Is there something I can do now? Don't get me wrong. I will always love you. And you will always be my brother. I used to say that stupid shitty saying, everything happens for a reason. Fuck that. No it doesn't. Why did this have to happen to us? Why do my parents deserve this? Why do Tanner and I? We don't.

Will you please just open your eyes. Look around you. Look what you have left. Eventually you will have nothing. Nothing. Doesn't that scare you? Doesn't it make you feel cold, lonely and scared? It does to me.

I will always hold my faith in that you will get better. That someday by the grace of our amazing God you will be healed. I pray for you every night. I pray God will save you, sooner than later. Because right now, you are slowly killing yourself.

...and that breaks my fucking heart into a million and twenty two pieces.

If you read this mama, daddy, I want you to know how great you are. How loved you are. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am so sorry. I love you. Forever. I wish I could make it all go away. I wish it was a dream. You have never let us down. We are so lucky to call your our Mama and Daddy. <3

friends...

First let me start of with my 'disclaimer'...this is not directed at one person in particular. At all. Not even two people. It is in general. Actually, I don't need one, if you read this and think it is you or feel guilty, I highly suggest you start being a better friend.

Actions speak louder than words. You can call yourself a best friend or even a friend for that matter. But guess what? That doesn't make you one. If there is anything I learned this weekend, it would be that and, quality is better than quantity. I think I am at a really weird time in my life where all of us are going different ways and figuring out what we want to do with our lives. Some of us want to travel the world, others are getting married or having babies. Then there is me. Working two jobs. Going to school full time. I don't have a lot of time and I know I am not even close to being a perfect friend. I know it. But I treat people how I like to be treated. I don't deny that I make mistakes here or there. You can't 'try' to be a good friend. If you are trying, you are failing. I will say it again, If you are trying, you are failing. You're either a good friend, or you aren't.

I had a complete melt down on Saturday. I got off of work and laid in my bed crying for a solid few hours. I was having a pity party. I text my dad, telling him how I was sick of always putting this effort into things that the other person doesn't seem to care about. He put it so simply, like always.

"Here is what you need to remember...If when we leave this earth and the worst thing people say is that you were always there for them, you were a good friend and lived a good life"

Moral of the story, don't waste you time on people who don't care. Actions tell you if they care. It may be hard to accept they don't care but life is too short to put engery into something that is not there.

Live and let go.

This post is jumbeled, I know it is. A bunch of my feelings trying to fit onto one page. But, the people who are good friends, show you, tell you and you know they do. Put your time and energy into those who care because in the end, those will be the ones who are standing by your side. Forget the rest.

look at yourself.

new...changes...thankful...

"You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it’s all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. It’s like when you’re little and you touch the stove and get burned, because you didn’t really know that it was hot. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning."

My lovely Kendyl and I are starting something new...We have until Jan 1 to start opening up and getting used to the idea that not everyone is going to hurt us...here we go :)

Ohh and to catch up a bit:

Nov 5th: Today I am thankful for my mama, she is the most beautiful woman in my life. She is the kindest, sweetest most amazing mama I know. She is my best friend. I ask myself how I got so lucky almost everyday. I love you mama, thank you for everything <3 I can never repay you for all you've done and taught me.

Nov 6th: Today I am thankful for the ability to run. I ran and mile and did a few sets of stairs with my family. It was amazing, I am reminded of how lucky I am for the privilege to run and how amazing it makes me feel.

Today, Nov 7: Today I am thankful for my job. I often complain about having to wake up but I am so lucky to have a job that I LOVE and work with the most amazing people :)


Happy Monday babies!
xo