Here we go...hold on tight.
My brother is a drug addict. It is not something me or my family tell people. It is not something I am proud of. It is heartbreaking. Watching him destroy his life and essential kill himself is fucking heartbreaking. I have never cried so many tears in my life until all of this came about. Let me give you a background.
Skyler was born when I was just hardly two years old. I was so proud to be a big sister. I obviously don't remember but in every picture of him and I, I am beaming. There is a picture where he is laying on my lap, weighing more than I at just a few weeks old and I am so content, sitting there hold MY baby brother in my arms. He was such a big boy. Such a big heart. My family was the perfect family. My parents are and will always be the perfect parents. My mama stayed home while we were in school. She cleaned house, did our laundry and always walked and met us at the buss stop. There is not one day that we got off the buss and had her waiting for us, asking us how our day was and having a snack ready when we walked in the door. My dad worked. He had (has) the perfect job, he was off by 5 which meant he never missed anything we did. We went to church on Sundays, had tons of family time and were ALWAYS showered in love. Sounds amazing, right? It was. I had the happiest childhood of anyone I know. I know I am lucky. I know I am so fucking lucky. I am thankful. I can never repay them. Ever.
My dad was being deployed my Sophomore year of college. My mama did so good at taking care of us while he was gone. She was a super mom. I fucked it up. I remember it like it was yesterday. Its all so real. So raw. So heartbreaking. My mom must have used her super mama powers to know something was going on but she had Skyler take a drug test. When I was in High School, this was never an issue. I had never even seen one. Drugs? Really? I remember Skyler coming into my room, he looked sick. He was upset, so concerned...over what? He sat on my bed, talked to me very casually. Then asked me a question..."Kailee, I need you to take my drug test for me. I smoked last week with a few friends and I know I messed up (insert tears here) I am so sorry. I cant do this to mom right now. I cant do it to dad. I need your help. Please Kailee, just this once, please help me". Well holy fuck. Okay, Skyler, I will take the test for you but I swear to God...You know where this is going, right? Good, I won't continue that...
Skyler was graduating. My dad got his leave in perfect time to see him graduate High School. I was so happy. I hadn't thought anymore about the drug test, it was a one time thing and even though deep down I was always kind of worried about it, I never had the balls to say a word. I didn't want to stress my dad out, I didn't want my mom to think she was being a bad mama while he was gone. She had so much to handle why should she be bothered with his one little slip up? Fuck, seriously? This is why you aren't a parent to an 18 year old when you are only 20 yourself...
Skyler is tall. He got offered a scholarship to go play college at Bellevue College. I was so proud of him. He had worked to hard his whole life. He so deserved it. His hard work was paying off! I remember crying one night because I was so proud of how far he had come. So many people would KILL for his opportunity. Skyler moved to Bellevue...He wasn't there long before he was kicked out of his first house for drugs. His landlord found a broken bong in his trash can. No big deal, it was his friends...right? Second chance. Skyler moved into his own apartment. He let people sleep on his couch and smoked non stop. He quit caring about everyone. He quit calling. Texting. He got a girlfriend he mostly treated like shit. He was always high. He continued to play basketball. Two years pissed away because he was so busy getting high. We had our moments but the worst was yet to come.
After the season Skyler moved home where he was placed into out patient treatment. I was so happy and proud of him for taking such a big step. He was going to get clean, he was going to be my loving, caring, courageous, crazy brother again. We could finally be our little trio again. I was learning to trust him. Boy was I blind. Skyler spent most of his out patient smoking. He was sneaking out, getting high, coming back and doing it again. He was fucking sketchy. He was lying. He was a straight up asshole. I remember laying in bed one night this summer, crying, remember how awesome he was. He was such a good person. He has such a big heart. And drugs have robbed him. They have taken it all. No, they haven't taken it. They've frozen it in time. A good heart doesn't just disappear. Or so I would like to believe for the sake of my own tears.
It wasn't too long after that when my parents told him he could go to impatient or leave the house and go about his ways. They gave him a choice. A or B. Stay or Go. He chose to go. Oh my gosh, this had to be it! He really was going to get better. I was over joyed. I promised to go visit him. It was the first family weekend, he was embarrassed so just my mama and dad went. I was so anxious for my turn to go see him. The next weekend Tanner and I went. It was so nice to see him. He was so excited to see us. He was full of life. He was goofy, talkative, friendly, he was Skyler. Finally. He is back.
Skyler graduated impatient early. I was nervous for him. I worried. I care about my brothers more than I care about anyone. They are like my babies. I hate when they get hurt. I hate when people say or do things to them. It hurts me just as bad. I tried to protect Skyler from everything. I was so nervous he would be around the wrong people. Then I remember the weekend my parents were out of town and he smoked. I puked I was so disappointed. I felt like I could have done something. Something I could have said would have stopped him from doing it.
My dad kicked Skyler out. My mom cried the entire time he packed. He was homeless. It was heartbreaking. They had to kick their son out because he cant follow their rules. I secretly wished my dad was just kidding. There had to be one more thing we could do to help him. We couldn't give up on him now, he had been doing so good. It was just once. It wasn't. A harsh reality hit.
Skyler went from being a stud to a fucking homeless drug addict. He had a near 4.0 in high school. He played college basketball. Where is he now? Living with more drug addicts. Sleeping on their living room floor. Smoking. Drinking. Not having any money. Can't keep a job. No car. And worse, a crumbling relationship with his family.
Do you not see it Skyler? Do you not see what you are doing to mom and dad? To you and I's relationship? Do you not see your world fucking crumbling into a million pieces? What the fuck is it going to take for you to realize what you are doing? Are you blind? How much lower can your life get? I don't get it dude. We were raised perfectly. We were given everything. Fucking EVERYTHING.
I am so tired of seeing them sad because your choosing to be a loser. Because really, that is what you are choosing. They think this is their fault. Does that make you feel good? It shouldn't. The focus is always on your drug use. Everything. I hate it.
I want my baby brother back. I want the tall big teddy bear to give me a hug. I want to feel your warm caring heart. I want to know you. I want you to call me. I want you to text me. I want you to be genuine. I want it back.
Is there something I could have done to change this? Is there something I can do now? Don't get me wrong. I will always love you. And you will always be my brother. I used to say that stupid shitty saying, everything happens for a reason. Fuck that. No it doesn't. Why did this have to happen to us? Why do my parents deserve this? Why do Tanner and I? We don't.
Will you please just open your eyes. Look around you. Look what you have left. Eventually you will have nothing. Nothing. Doesn't that scare you? Doesn't it make you feel cold, lonely and scared? It does to me.
I will always hold my faith in that you will get better. That someday by the grace of our amazing God you will be healed. I pray for you every night. I pray God will save you, sooner than later. Because right now, you are slowly killing yourself.
...and that breaks my fucking heart into a million and twenty two pieces.
If you read this mama, daddy, I want you to know how great you are. How loved you are. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am so sorry. I love you. Forever. I wish I could make it all go away. I wish it was a dream. You have never let us down. We are so lucky to call your our Mama and Daddy. <3
