Miss Independent.

My Mama is amazing for a lot of reasons...she sent me this today...I had to share it.

I believe every time we feel frustration it means we've really stopped relying on God. That might sound like a bold statement to you, but think about it: God's given you and me his Holy Spirit and His grace to help us walk through anything that comes our way. Frustration hits when we stop depending on Him and try to make something happen our own way.

I struggle with this. A lot. I am so independent I try to handle everything on my own. I need to work on this.

hello feb!

I am so excited for this month...maybe just because Jan is FINALLY over.

Even if you think that a certain situation is totally cut and dried, you are going to need to stay open to the possibility that others don't see things that way on the 1st. If you do manage to stay generally open to the perspectives of others, you could stand to gain a real insight into the topic at hand, which could well be more complex -- and richer -- than you originally thought. Do your best! By the oh-so-persuasive 5th, you are just incredibly persuasive! In fact, there's not much you can't convince others to do for you. Use your power wisely! You are in planning mode on the 9th, and you're enjoying it. By the 13th, 14th and 15th, there's almost nothing that isn't going just right! Make sure you get in a couple of nice, long swims to round things off right. Why not redecorate on the 20th and 21st? Whether it's your home or your office or your rock band's touring van, if you want to change things up, you should go for it! You must, must, must work out on the 25th and 26th. Otherwise, that aggression will find a less helpful outlet. A new relationship? Leap on in on the 29th.

anchor.

next tattoo. yes.

thank you...

It blows my mind that its so easy for you to just walk away.

No matter how sad and heart broken it makes me, after all said in done I can only thank you.

Thank you for teaching me to cherish my true friends.
Thank you for teaching me to never walk out on anyone.
Thank you for making me realize, once again, everyone and everything can change so fast.

seventeen-hundred-and-fifty-three-hours.

73		days
1753		hours
105209		minutes

Hurry up March 10th...

hello 2012, its nice to meet you...

Everyone is so excited for a 'new start'. I posted on my Facebook yesterday how it was only 3 days into the new year and it sucked already. I woke up this morning feeling like a fucktard. I thought to myself how stupid I was to think and post that...really, 3 days in and you are already giving it a bad name? NO you aren't!Everyday is a new start. Seriously. Every single day I wake up. A new day. A new clean slate. That being said, I do like the idea of the new year because it brings reflection. It is a good start and ending point. I have so much to be thankful for in 2011. I decided to name it my 'year of me, year of growth'. That is exactly what I did. I spent the whole year learning about myself and growing. I realize every year is going to have its ups and downs, there is no way around it. It is how we handle these events and learning to balance the highs and lows. Not everyday is going to be glitter and rainbows, we are all going to have those shitty ass rain, mud, fuckyoufuckoff days, its inevitable.

That being said, I spent a few days deciding on what I would try and improve on this year. Fear. I let the fear of things get the best of me, more times than not. Fear of failing, falling, rejection, whatever form the fear comes as, it usually wins. Not anymore. This year I will not live in fear. I will do things that scare me, things that test me, things that I shouldn't but I will anyways because I am not going to let the fear of something stop me from living my life.

I am not one for 'resolutions' so instead I made a 2012 "bucket list" things I want to do. They might look like resolutions or goals to you, but they are just things I want to do.

• Skydive
• Road trip (anywhere, I am talking get in the car one Thursday night and drive somewhere for the weekend, get in and goooo!)
• Run a half marathon
• Learn to shoot a gun
• Get another tattoo
• Take a dance class
• Save money just to buy myself something nice
• Spend more time with my grandparents
• Do something crazy and fun with my hair
• Volunteer 100 hours, homeless shelters, classrooms, hospitals
• Try new restaurants
• Meet my goal weight

Obviously this list will be added to and adjusted as the year goes on. Here is to a year full of happiness, friendship, love, laughter and most importantly, LIVING WITHOUT FEAR.

the happiest of endings...

Ahhh December. It was almost a year ago when I recieved news. Saddest news ever. At the time my world was crashing down. What about my happy ending? Why me? But in the end, I had the happiest ending of them all. And I couldn't be more thankful that everything happened the way it did.

I did it.

I have had a whole year to myself.

When I broke up with hewhomustnotbenamed I told myself that I would give myself one year to be by myself. To discover me. To live for me. To be happy for myself. To learn a new life that didn't include someone. A life that was about self, discovery and being my own person. I made a promise I would do this because I don't want to ever be at that point in my life again. I needed to know I could just 'be' me. When you are kicked down so low, you question a lot of things and I had to do something to promise myself I could and would get out of that dark and nasty place by myself. A lot of people have questioned what I am doing. I don't though. I can honestly say I took that low point in my life and have made myself the happiest ending I can imagine. I have grown so much in this year. I am so much stronger. I have a whole new outlook on life. So as sad as last December was for me, now I can only apprecaite it. I love that I can look back and see where I have came from this last year. So far. So freaking far. And I am proud.

So what does this mean now? I have done what I wanted to do. And last night I was thinking about the day I laid in bed crying, wishing I could disappear into the air. Wishing I could forget it all. Wondering what I had done wrong. The day I made a promise I would be fine and I would learn to be alone and find my own happiness. I've finally picked up all the pieces. Every one of them. Now I am whole. I am new. I am me.

What do I do now? Start over and never forget where I came from. 

Hello world, here I am. New. Ready. Excited.

Watch out.