if it was a snake it would have bit me...

The worst feeling ever?

Not noticing something that is right in front of your face before its too late.

Hmpfh.

please dont go....

I feel like such a baby. I don’t know why this is so hard. Was it this hard last time and I just don’t remember? 

It feels like yesterday that my dad decided to join the army...(Has it really been 6 years?! AH) I still remember when he told me he was going to join, I remember questioning his sanity and until recently, I didn’t realize the sacrifice that he and everyone else give up. The willingness to give your life for strangers is something I cannot even fathom. My dad’s days here are numbered. He is leaving for Africa in just 2 weeks. I wish I could stop time and make these next two weeks crawl by. The reality that my dad and best friend will be gone for the next 12 months makes me fucking sick. I know, I know, thousands of men, women, mom, dad, children, grandchildren, okay you get my point, leave for war every day. People have been fighting for years. But this is my dad and I am left speechless. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to go to bed every night and wonder if he’s okay. I don’t want to wake up every day wondering if he is okay. Wondering what little asshole has tried to hurt him or if he's slept. The past few weeks of my little world have been dark and pretty ugly. My attitude, everything has just really sucked. I miss him already. I don't know how to maximize the next two weeks. And I don’t have anyone I can really relate to. I don’t have military 'brat' friends. I have friends whose husbands are gone but I don’t relate to that. I don’t have a husband. I don’t know what it’s like to love a husband. I know what it’s like to love your dad. I don’t like hearing, well I heard its safe over there now...or, well he has people watching over him. Yeah you may be right, but you may be wrong. Those little phrases do not change how I feel and if anything they actually make me feel worse. There are no words that can take away what I feel.

I am so proud of my dad. I hope that someday I can find someone who is half of the man that he is. I hope he knows how great he is. I love you daddy and I miss you already.
X

breaking.point.uglyness.

I wish I could say my life is full of rainbows, unicorns and gumdrops. Maybe it is and I am just being a brat. Maybe it is and I just don't see it because I refuse to. But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe this time in my life is to test me, my strength and well being. I have been sick for what seems like 3 months now. I am exhausted, hardly sleep and feel like nothing can go my way. The worst part? I cant figure out why I feel this way. I have everything I could ever want but feel empty. I constantly think that I am not doing good enough or I could be doing better. I want instant results on everything and not getting 'instant'--it drives me crazy. My friends...my friends. I feel like were all at these super crazy stages in life. Some are married, babies, buying houses. Or in crazy relationships. Then there's me- which I have no problem with. I have too many internal issues I need to sort out before I try and date someone but its weird to see where I am at as opposed to everyone else. I am so tired of school I seriously debated quitting. WHY would I ever quit when I am this close to finishing? Seriously. I think I am having my quarter life crisis. WHAT.


PS. Whoa, has it really been almost two months since I have wrote on this lovely little blog?! Crazy.
xx

a silver lining in the darkest cloud.

I love all the beautiful people in my life. I love how they come in to my life, make it beautiful with their presence and love that I am lucky enough to have them in my life...(what did I ever do to get so lucky?) That being said, I believe I have truly met an angel here on earth, as cliche and dumb as that 'phrase' is. I know there will be a time when I feel is right to tell this person what she has taught me, shown me and done for me and my life. For now though, I feel best writing a little letter here:)

-----,

I don't want you to think I am writing this letter because of circumstances you've been faced with. But, I guess those circumstances are what have made me self reflect and realize how you've impacted me and my life. I can never repay you for the life lessons you have taught me. I can never fully explain how you've taught me to open my eyes and see a new way. I will always admire and challenge myself to be more like you. You came into my life at a time when I needed you. Exactly you. I didn't realize it until recently, but after realizing it, you could not have came at a more perfect time. Sometimes I struggle with the whole bigger power, God idea, but then, I think about how you were perfectly placed in my life and the impact you've had. It reminds me and gives me hope that there is something greater out there that placed you in my life...or me in yours;). It leaves me speechless. Really though, all I wanted to do in this letter is say thank you. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. More importantly than that, thank you for teaching me to believe in myself again. Thank you for pushing me to fight for what I believe is right. Thank you for always listening (or pretending to listen;)) to my endless hours of rants, silly attitudes, vent sessions and bad jokes. Thank you for showing me that there are good, beautiful souls left in this world. Thank you for being you, always. No matter who is around or what is happening. Thank you for showing me strength when I couldn't find it. Thank you for always being honest with me and telling me things that I might not have wanted to hear, but that I needed to hear. Thank you for showing me what a strong, independent and beautiful woman can do. You inspire me. You set my soul on fire and give me motivation to try harder, be a better person and never give up. You truly are my hero and I hope that someday I can inspire someone the way you have to me. You are one of a kind. I hope you know how beautiful and bright you are in this dark and crazy world. I can never repay for the things you have taught me but thank you, again and again and again.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

xoxoxoxox

notitle.

Last week in church the pastor talked about when people get desperate...when people get desperate they reach for anything. When he said this, I sort of thought about a few times I had been desperate, had I 'reached' for things? I couldn't really think of any times that I had personally done this. Hmmm. Pondered and pondered. I thought about a few of my family members who might have done something like this. Until last night, I realized that his statement, is grossly true. When anyone gets desperate they reach for all the wrong things. Being desperate wont bring you anything you need or truly want...So why not turn to Jesus when were feeling desperate?....

no words.

I have so much to say but no words to say them...

Miss Independent.

My Mama is amazing for a lot of reasons...she sent me this today...I had to share it.

I believe every time we feel frustration it means we've really stopped relying on God. That might sound like a bold statement to you, but think about it: God's given you and me his Holy Spirit and His grace to help us walk through anything that comes our way. Frustration hits when we stop depending on Him and try to make something happen our own way.

I struggle with this. A lot. I am so independent I try to handle everything on my own. I need to work on this.