if it was a snake it would have bit me...

The worst feeling ever?

Not noticing something that is right in front of your face before its too late.

Hmpfh.

please dont go....

I feel like such a baby. I don’t know why this is so hard. Was it this hard last time and I just don’t remember? 

It feels like yesterday that my dad decided to join the army...(Has it really been 6 years?! AH) I still remember when he told me he was going to join, I remember questioning his sanity and until recently, I didn’t realize the sacrifice that he and everyone else give up. The willingness to give your life for strangers is something I cannot even fathom. My dad’s days here are numbered. He is leaving for Africa in just 2 weeks. I wish I could stop time and make these next two weeks crawl by. The reality that my dad and best friend will be gone for the next 12 months makes me fucking sick. I know, I know, thousands of men, women, mom, dad, children, grandchildren, okay you get my point, leave for war every day. People have been fighting for years. But this is my dad and I am left speechless. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to go to bed every night and wonder if he’s okay. I don’t want to wake up every day wondering if he is okay. Wondering what little asshole has tried to hurt him or if he's slept. The past few weeks of my little world have been dark and pretty ugly. My attitude, everything has just really sucked. I miss him already. I don't know how to maximize the next two weeks. And I don’t have anyone I can really relate to. I don’t have military 'brat' friends. I have friends whose husbands are gone but I don’t relate to that. I don’t have a husband. I don’t know what it’s like to love a husband. I know what it’s like to love your dad. I don’t like hearing, well I heard its safe over there now...or, well he has people watching over him. Yeah you may be right, but you may be wrong. Those little phrases do not change how I feel and if anything they actually make me feel worse. There are no words that can take away what I feel.

I am so proud of my dad. I hope that someday I can find someone who is half of the man that he is. I hope he knows how great he is. I love you daddy and I miss you already.
X

breaking.point.uglyness.

I wish I could say my life is full of rainbows, unicorns and gumdrops. Maybe it is and I am just being a brat. Maybe it is and I just don't see it because I refuse to. But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe this time in my life is to test me, my strength and well being. I have been sick for what seems like 3 months now. I am exhausted, hardly sleep and feel like nothing can go my way. The worst part? I cant figure out why I feel this way. I have everything I could ever want but feel empty. I constantly think that I am not doing good enough or I could be doing better. I want instant results on everything and not getting 'instant'--it drives me crazy. My friends...my friends. I feel like were all at these super crazy stages in life. Some are married, babies, buying houses. Or in crazy relationships. Then there's me- which I have no problem with. I have too many internal issues I need to sort out before I try and date someone but its weird to see where I am at as opposed to everyone else. I am so tired of school I seriously debated quitting. WHY would I ever quit when I am this close to finishing? Seriously. I think I am having my quarter life crisis. WHAT.


PS. Whoa, has it really been almost two months since I have wrote on this lovely little blog?! Crazy.
xx