24 candles...

Seriously. This is going to be quick because I am at work, but, today has been amazing. Every time I get a text or Facebook notification and read it, I am overwhelmed with love for my friends. Each and every one of you are so amazing and I am so so so so so blessed. Today I wondered what I ever did to deserve a life this amazing. I have never felt more lucky and blessed. Thank you all for the birthday wishes.

Cheers to 24...
Bigger cheers to a brand new year of nothing but awesomeness.

xoxo

being strong for everyone except myself...and I just want my daddy

Do you ever feel like you carry everyone else’s problems, grief, thoughts and lives on your shoulders? Do you ever feel completely defeated, like you have been strong for everyone for so long and finally, you are breaking? But really you aren’t breaking because hardly any of these things you've been carrying are yours. Yet you still feel broken. A thousand pieces broken. As much as I hate to say it, I needed this. We all need this. We need to pick up the pieces and go forward. I need a clean slate. A fresh and new start. After all, some days, just breathing is okay.

xx

why...

My whole life- nothing has gone the way I have seen or wanted it to go. In fact, lately, it has gone exactly the opposite. I don't even know how to swallow any of it. Process it. Or accept it.

:(

if it was a snake it would have bit me...

The worst feeling ever?

Not noticing something that is right in front of your face before its too late.

Hmpfh.

please dont go....

I feel like such a baby. I don’t know why this is so hard. Was it this hard last time and I just don’t remember? 

It feels like yesterday that my dad decided to join the army...(Has it really been 6 years?! AH) I still remember when he told me he was going to join, I remember questioning his sanity and until recently, I didn’t realize the sacrifice that he and everyone else give up. The willingness to give your life for strangers is something I cannot even fathom. My dad’s days here are numbered. He is leaving for Africa in just 2 weeks. I wish I could stop time and make these next two weeks crawl by. The reality that my dad and best friend will be gone for the next 12 months makes me fucking sick. I know, I know, thousands of men, women, mom, dad, children, grandchildren, okay you get my point, leave for war every day. People have been fighting for years. But this is my dad and I am left speechless. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to go to bed every night and wonder if he’s okay. I don’t want to wake up every day wondering if he is okay. Wondering what little asshole has tried to hurt him or if he's slept. The past few weeks of my little world have been dark and pretty ugly. My attitude, everything has just really sucked. I miss him already. I don't know how to maximize the next two weeks. And I don’t have anyone I can really relate to. I don’t have military 'brat' friends. I have friends whose husbands are gone but I don’t relate to that. I don’t have a husband. I don’t know what it’s like to love a husband. I know what it’s like to love your dad. I don’t like hearing, well I heard its safe over there now...or, well he has people watching over him. Yeah you may be right, but you may be wrong. Those little phrases do not change how I feel and if anything they actually make me feel worse. There are no words that can take away what I feel.

I am so proud of my dad. I hope that someday I can find someone who is half of the man that he is. I hope he knows how great he is. I love you daddy and I miss you already.
X

breaking.point.uglyness.

I wish I could say my life is full of rainbows, unicorns and gumdrops. Maybe it is and I am just being a brat. Maybe it is and I just don't see it because I refuse to. But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe this time in my life is to test me, my strength and well being. I have been sick for what seems like 3 months now. I am exhausted, hardly sleep and feel like nothing can go my way. The worst part? I cant figure out why I feel this way. I have everything I could ever want but feel empty. I constantly think that I am not doing good enough or I could be doing better. I want instant results on everything and not getting 'instant'--it drives me crazy. My friends...my friends. I feel like were all at these super crazy stages in life. Some are married, babies, buying houses. Or in crazy relationships. Then there's me- which I have no problem with. I have too many internal issues I need to sort out before I try and date someone but its weird to see where I am at as opposed to everyone else. I am so tired of school I seriously debated quitting. WHY would I ever quit when I am this close to finishing? Seriously. I think I am having my quarter life crisis. WHAT.


PS. Whoa, has it really been almost two months since I have wrote on this lovely little blog?! Crazy.
xx

a silver lining in the darkest cloud.

I love all the beautiful people in my life. I love how they come in to my life, make it beautiful with their presence and love that I am lucky enough to have them in my life...(what did I ever do to get so lucky?) That being said, I believe I have truly met an angel here on earth, as cliche and dumb as that 'phrase' is. I know there will be a time when I feel is right to tell this person what she has taught me, shown me and done for me and my life. For now though, I feel best writing a little letter here:)

-----,

I don't want you to think I am writing this letter because of circumstances you've been faced with. But, I guess those circumstances are what have made me self reflect and realize how you've impacted me and my life. I can never repay you for the life lessons you have taught me. I can never fully explain how you've taught me to open my eyes and see a new way. I will always admire and challenge myself to be more like you. You came into my life at a time when I needed you. Exactly you. I didn't realize it until recently, but after realizing it, you could not have came at a more perfect time. Sometimes I struggle with the whole bigger power, God idea, but then, I think about how you were perfectly placed in my life and the impact you've had. It reminds me and gives me hope that there is something greater out there that placed you in my life...or me in yours;). It leaves me speechless. Really though, all I wanted to do in this letter is say thank you. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. More importantly than that, thank you for teaching me to believe in myself again. Thank you for pushing me to fight for what I believe is right. Thank you for always listening (or pretending to listen;)) to my endless hours of rants, silly attitudes, vent sessions and bad jokes. Thank you for showing me that there are good, beautiful souls left in this world. Thank you for being you, always. No matter who is around or what is happening. Thank you for showing me strength when I couldn't find it. Thank you for always being honest with me and telling me things that I might not have wanted to hear, but that I needed to hear. Thank you for showing me what a strong, independent and beautiful woman can do. You inspire me. You set my soul on fire and give me motivation to try harder, be a better person and never give up. You truly are my hero and I hope that someday I can inspire someone the way you have to me. You are one of a kind. I hope you know how beautiful and bright you are in this dark and crazy world. I can never repay for the things you have taught me but thank you, again and again and again.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

xoxoxoxox

notitle.

Last week in church the pastor talked about when people get desperate...when people get desperate they reach for anything. When he said this, I sort of thought about a few times I had been desperate, had I 'reached' for things? I couldn't really think of any times that I had personally done this. Hmmm. Pondered and pondered. I thought about a few of my family members who might have done something like this. Until last night, I realized that his statement, is grossly true. When anyone gets desperate they reach for all the wrong things. Being desperate wont bring you anything you need or truly want...So why not turn to Jesus when were feeling desperate?....

no words.

I have so much to say but no words to say them...

Miss Independent.

My Mama is amazing for a lot of reasons...she sent me this today...I had to share it.

I believe every time we feel frustration it means we've really stopped relying on God. That might sound like a bold statement to you, but think about it: God's given you and me his Holy Spirit and His grace to help us walk through anything that comes our way. Frustration hits when we stop depending on Him and try to make something happen our own way.

I struggle with this. A lot. I am so independent I try to handle everything on my own. I need to work on this.

hello feb!

I am so excited for this month...maybe just because Jan is FINALLY over.

Even if you think that a certain situation is totally cut and dried, you are going to need to stay open to the possibility that others don't see things that way on the 1st. If you do manage to stay generally open to the perspectives of others, you could stand to gain a real insight into the topic at hand, which could well be more complex -- and richer -- than you originally thought. Do your best! By the oh-so-persuasive 5th, you are just incredibly persuasive! In fact, there's not much you can't convince others to do for you. Use your power wisely! You are in planning mode on the 9th, and you're enjoying it. By the 13th, 14th and 15th, there's almost nothing that isn't going just right! Make sure you get in a couple of nice, long swims to round things off right. Why not redecorate on the 20th and 21st? Whether it's your home or your office or your rock band's touring van, if you want to change things up, you should go for it! You must, must, must work out on the 25th and 26th. Otherwise, that aggression will find a less helpful outlet. A new relationship? Leap on in on the 29th.

anchor.

next tattoo. yes.

thank you...

It blows my mind that its so easy for you to just walk away.

No matter how sad and heart broken it makes me, after all said in done I can only thank you.

Thank you for teaching me to cherish my true friends.
Thank you for teaching me to never walk out on anyone.
Thank you for making me realize, once again, everyone and everything can change so fast.

seventeen-hundred-and-fifty-three-hours.

73		days
1753		hours
105209		minutes

Hurry up March 10th...

hello 2012, its nice to meet you...

Everyone is so excited for a 'new start'. I posted on my Facebook yesterday how it was only 3 days into the new year and it sucked already. I woke up this morning feeling like a fucktard. I thought to myself how stupid I was to think and post that...really, 3 days in and you are already giving it a bad name? NO you aren't!Everyday is a new start. Seriously. Every single day I wake up. A new day. A new clean slate. That being said, I do like the idea of the new year because it brings reflection. It is a good start and ending point. I have so much to be thankful for in 2011. I decided to name it my 'year of me, year of growth'. That is exactly what I did. I spent the whole year learning about myself and growing. I realize every year is going to have its ups and downs, there is no way around it. It is how we handle these events and learning to balance the highs and lows. Not everyday is going to be glitter and rainbows, we are all going to have those shitty ass rain, mud, fuckyoufuckoff days, its inevitable.

That being said, I spent a few days deciding on what I would try and improve on this year. Fear. I let the fear of things get the best of me, more times than not. Fear of failing, falling, rejection, whatever form the fear comes as, it usually wins. Not anymore. This year I will not live in fear. I will do things that scare me, things that test me, things that I shouldn't but I will anyways because I am not going to let the fear of something stop me from living my life.

I am not one for 'resolutions' so instead I made a 2012 "bucket list" things I want to do. They might look like resolutions or goals to you, but they are just things I want to do.

• Skydive
• Road trip (anywhere, I am talking get in the car one Thursday night and drive somewhere for the weekend, get in and goooo!)
• Run a half marathon
• Learn to shoot a gun
• Get another tattoo
• Take a dance class
• Save money just to buy myself something nice
• Spend more time with my grandparents
• Do something crazy and fun with my hair
• Volunteer 100 hours, homeless shelters, classrooms, hospitals
• Try new restaurants
• Meet my goal weight

Obviously this list will be added to and adjusted as the year goes on. Here is to a year full of happiness, friendship, love, laughter and most importantly, LIVING WITHOUT FEAR.