Tuesday, December 13, 2011

the happiest of endings...




Ahhh December. It was almost a year ago when I recieved news. Saddest news ever. At the time my world was crashing down. What about my happy ending? Why me? But in the end, I had the happiest ending of them all. And I couldn't be more thankful that everything happened the way it did.

I did it.
I have had a whole year to myself.

When I broke up with hewhomustnotbenamed I told myself that I would give myself one year to be by myself. To discover me. To live for me. To be happy for myself. To learn a new life that didn't include someone. A life that was about self, discovery and being my own person. I made a promise I would do this because I don't want to ever be at that point in my life again. I needed to know I could just 'be' me. When you are kicked down so low, you question a lot of things and I had to do something to promise myself I could and would get out of that dark and nasty place by myself. A lot of people have questioned what I am doing. I don't though. I can honestly say I took that low point in my life and have made myself the happiest ending I can imagine. I have grown so much in this year. I am so much stronger. I have a whole new outlook on life. So as sad as last December was for me, now I can only apprecaite it. I love that I can look back and see where I have came from this last year. So far. So freaking far. And I am proud.

So what does this mean now? I have done what I wanted to do. And last night I was thinking about the day I laid in bed crying, wishing I could disappear into the air. Wishing I could forget it all. Wondering what I had done wrong. The day I made a promise I would be fine and I would learn to be alone and find my own happiness. I've finally picked up all the pieces. Every one of them. Now I am whole. I am new. I am me.

What do I do now? Start over and never forget where I came from. 

Hello world, here I am. New. Ready. Excited.


Watch out.



Wednesday, December 7, 2011

breaking point...

A few days or weeks, I don't know how long ago I posted a picture. It was about no shame November. It was about writing something that left you shaking. That was breaking the rules. Something that hit home. That opened you up. I have finally reached a breaking point today.

Here we go...hold on tight.

My brother is a drug addict. It is not something me or my family tell people. It is not something I am proud of. It is heartbreaking. Watching him destroy his life and essential kill himself is fucking heartbreaking. I have never cried so many tears in my life until all of this came about. Let me give you a background.

Skyler was born when I was just hardly two years old. I was so proud to be a big sister. I obviously don't remember but in every picture of him and I, I am beaming. There is a picture where he is laying on my lap, weighing more than I at just a few weeks old and I am so content, sitting there hold MY baby brother in my arms. He was such a big boy. Such a big heart. My family was the perfect family. My parents are and will always be the perfect parents. My mama stayed home while we were in school. She cleaned house, did our laundry and always walked and met us at the buss stop. There is not one day that we got off the buss and had her waiting for us, asking us how our day was and having a snack ready when we walked in the door. My dad worked. He had (has) the perfect job, he was off by 5 which meant he never missed anything we did. We went to church on Sundays, had tons of family time and were ALWAYS showered in love. Sounds amazing, right? It was. I had the happiest childhood of anyone I know. I know I am lucky. I know I am so fucking lucky. I am thankful. I can never repay them. Ever.


My dad was being deployed my Sophomore year of college. My mama did so good at taking care of us while he was gone. She was a super mom. I fucked it up. I remember it like it was yesterday. Its all so real. So raw. So heartbreaking. My mom must have used her super mama powers to know something was going on but she had Skyler take a drug test. When I was in High School, this was never an issue. I had never even seen one. Drugs? Really? I remember Skyler coming into my room, he looked sick. He was upset, so concerned...over what? He sat on my bed, talked to me very casually. Then asked me a question..."Kailee, I need you to take my drug test for me. I smoked last week with a few friends and I know I messed up (insert tears here) I am so sorry. I cant do this to mom right now. I cant do it to dad. I need your help. Please Kailee, just this once, please help me". Well holy fuck. Okay, Skyler, I will take the test for you but I swear to God...You know where this is going, right? Good, I won't continue that...

Skyler was graduating. My dad got his leave in perfect time to see him graduate High School. I was so happy. I hadn't thought anymore about the drug test, it was a one time thing and even though deep down I was always kind of worried about it, I never had the balls to say a word. I didn't want to stress my dad out, I didn't want my mom to think she was being a bad mama while he was gone. She had so much to handle why should she be bothered with his one little slip up? Fuck, seriously? This is why you aren't a parent to an 18 year old when you are only 20 yourself...

Skyler is tall. He got offered a scholarship to go play college at Bellevue College. I was so proud of him. He had worked to hard his whole life. He so deserved it. His hard work was paying off! I remember crying one night because I was so proud of how far he had come. So many people would KILL for his opportunity. Skyler moved to Bellevue...He wasn't there long before he was kicked out of his first house for drugs. His landlord found a broken bong in his trash can. No big deal, it was his friends...right? Second chance. Skyler moved into his own apartment. He let people sleep on his couch and smoked non stop. He quit caring about everyone. He quit calling. Texting. He got a girlfriend he mostly treated like shit. He was always high. He continued to play basketball. Two years pissed away because he was so busy getting high. We had our moments but the worst was yet to come.

After the season Skyler moved home where he was placed into out patient treatment. I was so happy and proud of him for taking such a big step. He was going to get clean, he was going to be my loving, caring, courageous, crazy brother again.  We could finally be our little trio again. I was learning to trust him. Boy was I blind. Skyler spent most of his out patient smoking. He was sneaking out, getting high, coming back and doing it again. He was fucking sketchy. He was lying. He was a straight up asshole. I remember laying in bed one night this summer, crying, remember how awesome he was. He was such a good person. He has such a big heart. And drugs have robbed him. They have taken it all. No, they haven't taken it. They've frozen it in time. A good heart doesn't just disappear. Or so I would like to believe for the sake of my own tears.

It wasn't too long after that when my parents told him he could go to impatient or leave the house and go about his ways. They gave him a choice. A or B. Stay or Go. He chose to go. Oh my gosh, this had to be it! He really was going to get better. I was over joyed. I promised to go visit him. It was the first family weekend, he was embarrassed so just my mama and dad went. I was so anxious for my turn to go see him. The next weekend Tanner and I went. It was so nice to see him. He was so excited to see us. He was full of life. He was goofy, talkative, friendly, he was Skyler. Finally. He is back.

Skyler graduated impatient early. I was nervous for him. I worried. I care about my brothers more than I care about anyone. They are like my babies. I hate when they get hurt. I hate when people say or do things to them. It hurts me just as bad. I tried to protect Skyler from everything. I was so nervous he would be around the wrong people. Then I remember the weekend my parents were out of town and he smoked. I puked I was so disappointed. I felt like I could have done something. Something I could have said would have stopped him from doing it.

My dad kicked Skyler out. My mom cried the entire time he packed. He was homeless. It was heartbreaking. They had to kick their son out because he cant follow their rules. I secretly wished my dad was just kidding. There had to be one more thing we could do to help him. We couldn't give up on him now, he had been doing so good. It was just once. It wasn't. A harsh reality hit.

Skyler went from being a stud to a fucking homeless drug addict. He had a near 4.0 in high school. He played college basketball. Where is he now? Living with more drug addicts. Sleeping on their living room floor. Smoking. Drinking. Not having any money. Can't keep a job. No car. And worse, a crumbling relationship with his family.

Do you not see it Skyler? Do you not see what you are doing to mom and dad? To you and I's relationship? Do you not see your world fucking crumbling into a million pieces? What the fuck is it going to take for you to realize what you are doing? Are you blind? How much lower can your life get? I don't get it dude. We were raised perfectly. We were given everything. Fucking EVERYTHING.

I am so tired of seeing them sad because your choosing to be a loser. Because really, that is what you are choosing. They think this is their fault. Does that make you feel good? It shouldn't. The focus is always on your drug use. Everything. I hate it.

I want my baby brother back. I want the tall big teddy bear to give me a hug. I want to feel your warm caring heart. I want to know you. I want you to call me. I want you to text me. I want you to be genuine. I want it back.

Is there something I could have done to change this? Is there something I can do now? Don't get me wrong. I will always love you. And you will always be my brother. I used to say that stupid shitty saying, everything happens for a reason. Fuck that. No it doesn't. Why did this have to happen to us? Why do my parents deserve this? Why do Tanner and I? We don't.

Will you please just open your eyes. Look around you. Look what you have left. Eventually you will have nothing. Nothing. Doesn't that scare you? Doesn't it make you feel cold, lonely and scared? It does to me.

I will always hold my faith in that you will get better. That someday by the grace of our amazing God you will be healed. I pray for you every night. I pray God will save you, sooner than later. Because right now, you are slowly killing yourself.

...and that breaks my fucking heart into a million and twenty two pieces.


If you read this mama, daddy, I want you to know how great you are. How loved you are. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am so sorry. I love you. Forever. I wish I could make it all go away. I wish it was a dream. You have never let us down. We are so lucky to call your our Mama and Daddy. <3

Monday, November 28, 2011

friends...

First let me start of with my 'disclaimer'...this is not directed at one person in particular. At all. Not even two people. It is in general. Actually, I don't need one, if you read this and think it is you or feel guilty, I highly suggest you start being a better friend.

Actions speak louder than words. You can call yourself a best friend or even a friend for that matter. But guess what? That doesn't make you one. If there is anything I learned this weekend, it would be that and, quality is better than quantity. I think I am at a really weird time in my life where all of us are going different ways and figuring out what we want to do with our lives. Some of us want to travel the world, others are getting married or having babies. Then there is me. Working two jobs. Going to school full time. I don't have a lot of time and I know I am not even close to being a perfect friend. I know it. But I treat people how I like to be treated. I don't deny that I make mistakes here or there. You can't 'try' to be a good friend. If you are trying, you are failing. I will say it again, If you are trying, you are failing. You're either a good friend, or you aren't.

I had a complete melt down on Saturday. I got off of work and laid in my bed crying for a solid few hours. I was having a pity party. I text my dad, telling him how I was sick of always putting this effort into things that the other person doesn't seem to care about. He put it so simply, like always.
"Here is what you need to remember...If when we leave this earth and the worst thing people say is that you were always there for them, you were a good friend and lived a good life"

Moral of the story, don't waste you time on people who don't care. Actions tell you if they care. It may be hard to accept they don't care but life is too short to put engery into something that is not there.

Live and let go.

This post is jumbeled, I know it is. A bunch of my feelings trying to fit onto one page. But, the people who are good friends, show you, tell you and you know they do. Put your time and energy into those who care because in the end, those will be the ones who are standing by your side. Forget the rest.

Monday, November 7, 2011

new...changes...thankful...

"You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it’s all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. It’s like when you’re little and you touch the stove and get burned, because you didn’t really know that it was hot. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning."

My lovely Kendyl and I are starting something new...We have until Jan 1 to start opening up and getting used to the idea that not everyone is going to hurt us...here we go :)

Ohh and to catch up a bit:


Nov 5th: Today I am thankful for my mama, she is the most beautiful woman in my life. She is the kindest, sweetest most amazing mama I know. She is my best friend. I ask myself how I got so lucky almost everyday. I love you mama, thank you for everything <3 I can never repay you for all you've done and taught me.



Nov 6th: Today I am thankful for the ability to run. I ran and mile and did a few sets of stairs with my family. It was amazing, I am reminded of how lucky I am for the privilege to run and how amazing it makes me feel.

Today, Nov 7: Today I am thankful for my job. I often complain about having to wake up but I am so lucky to have a job that I LOVE and work with the most amazing people :)


Happy Monday babies!
xo

Friday, November 4, 2011

Kennedy.


Today I am thankful for my little cousin Kennedy, the most beautiful little girl inside and out. I can never thank her enough for all the joy, love, smiles and laughter she has brought me.
I love her to the moon and back forever and ever.
Hopefully she still thinks I am cool in a few years ;)
xoxo




Thursday, November 3, 2011

today I am...

I saw this on Facebook and I have to play along. I decided my blog was a good place for it. If I am ever feeling un lucky I can look back and remember why my life is so amazing...so here we go. Now until Thanksgiving, I will tell you what I am thankful for...:)

Today I am thankful for my baby brothers. I know when I was little I wanted to return them, but now I wouldn't trade them for anything. We may not always get along, or agree on things but we will forever be best friends and be there for each other. Everything we go through in life, we go through together. I cant imagine my life without them. I don't know how I got so lucky, but they are the best boys a girl could ask for.





family is forever.
<3
xxo

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

happiness in the form of a red cup filled with peppermint mocha...

Last night before I went to bed I was playing around on Twitter and realized that today brought RED CUPS. I would say today is one of the best days of the year, but that is a little much :)

Anyways, I got a lot of sleep last night and woke up a few minutes before my alarm; we all know it doesn't happen often and when it does, I am happy. Getting ready, blow drying my hair I text my usual people their good morningggg texts...one person replied back so rudely I actually said out loud "wow!", their excuse? They are sick. Ok, I  understand that but what in the fuck did I do to you?

I go about my morning routine, make my drive to Yelm, jamming out to the new Lil Wayne CD. I think I actually smiled this morning, just finding happiness in all of the little things:
1. Waking up before my alarm
2. Being able to fall asleep before midnight
3. Not having crazy racing thoughts before bed (for hours, like the new norm)
4. Realizing my car would be frozen and de frosting it before I went to leave
5. Driving my mamas car and having a seat warmer on this freezing day
6. Listening to awesome music
7. NO traffic
8. Realizing it is my birth month

(good morning so far, right?!)

Then I realized two major things: what puts people in a bad mood? Even if someone pissed in his cheerios, is being an asshole for the day worth it? Think about it, you are wasting a day being "mad". Does life care? HELL NO. Your life is a gift, in fact waking up everyday is a fucking gift.

So two things, watch your attitude and if you can't find a few things to be happy about then you have issues and need help. The fact that you are alive and not dead should be enough to at least smile.


Monday, October 31, 2011

happy halloween.





best. halloween. weekend. ever.

I love my life and my babies.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

heart skipped a beat.


"The thing that hurts the most is the fact that I lied to myself. I wanted things to be good so badly that I made up things to gloss over the bad parts. I know that sounds stupid, but that’s exactly what I did. I actually believed it too. To want is a bad thing sometimes. It gets people hurt. It got me hurt. The world is a lonely place and people will go to great lengths to find someone whom they can be with. Someone who doesn’t think that they’re a creep. Just wanting to be able to talk to someone, that want will make you do some nasty things to yourself."
Henry Rollins

and this song fucking ROCKS:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjUX2LESOpM


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

halloween

I haven't participated in Halloween in years. By years, I really mean years. The last time I dressed up that I can remember was 6th grade...until last weekend:


Eggo and I dressed up as kitty cats and had a blast! I cant wait for this weekend. Happy Halloween! :)
xxoo

Annndddd the last picture of the night, sums up our night very well

Thursday, October 20, 2011

wake up people...

Letter from the Boss - A real letter from a real company
 
To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job.

What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. Of course, as your employer, I am forbidden to tell you whom to vote for - it is against the law to discriminate based on political affiliation, race, creed, religion, etc.

Please vote who you think will serve your interests the best. However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interest. First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story.
This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don't see is the back story.
I started this company 12 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living space was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company which, by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's.

My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9 a.m., mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5 p.m., I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have the weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, ****, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to me like a one day old baby.

You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations. You never realized the back story and the sacrifices I've made. Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions, sacrificed and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't.
The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for. Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why: I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man just to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Is it me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, is it the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check?

Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy. Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the mud of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine.
Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep. So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV payment and for your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more. Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire.

You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

While tax cuts to 95% of America sounds great on paper, don't forget the back story: If there is no job, there is no income to tax. A tax cut on zero dollars is zero. So, when you make decision to vote, ask yourself, who understands the economics of business ownership and who doesn't? Whose policies will endanger your job? Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of saving your job. While the media wants to tell you "It's the economy Stupid" I'm telling you it isn't.

If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the Constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me in South Caribbean sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about.

Signed, Your boss,

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

changing seasons...



After my regret rant yesterday and a quick chat with my dad today, I realized something. Getting over someone is like the changing seasons. Sounds crazy, I know, I know, just hear me out.

My least favorite season is Fall, Fall and Winter could fall off this earth and I wouldn't be the least bit sad. So days after my break up when I was sad, realized what could have been or what isn't anymore is was like my fall. I hate it. I didn't want to do anything, my heart hurt and I didn't like my new season change.

Winter came and it got a little easier, I still didn't like the change, it was still dark and gloomy. I didn't like the season but my heart slowly felt better. I slowly realized soon spring and summer would be here, when the times get easier.

Each season brings new challenges and new healing.

Spring arrived and my heart was almost full again. The sun came out, the flowers started blooming and my heart started to smile. I felt like myself again.

Summer is here. I am finally letting go of what I cant change. What was, what is and what could have been. They don't matter anymore. Those were things that filled my fall and winter. I am in summer. Why would I look back and dwell on the things I don't like? It isn't going to do me any good. I like summer. I like the warm days and cooler nights. I like the clear skies and stars. I love everything about summer, I am not going to dwell on my fall or winter.

So now I am faced with learning to accept what I can't change. And after my conversation with my daddy today I realize how much I have grown and pushed on. He told me I inspired him and that I make him proud.
He said, "I have never saw such determination and sheer will from you and I think that relationship is partially responsible. I have told your mom how very proud I am of how hard you work and your persistence striving for your goals." He's right. He is so right! I have been able to push myself harder than ever before because of my past. Because I realize what happens when I sit back and let someone do it for me.

My ladies, I just hope you all remember, when we have our winters about different things that may come up in our lives, summer does come again. And it will come back better, bigger and more badass than the year before. And eventually it will be so great that our winters will be summers all year long :)

xxxxoooo.

Monday, October 10, 2011

regret and a really badass piercing.

Could it be true, for the first time in my life (that I can remember) I actually regret something...

A year and a half with you was way too long and I don't know why it took me so long to realize you are a such nasty, nasty, horrible person. You play such an innocent, kind, loving person but you are ugly. In fact, you are the ugliest person I know.

I regret it all and I want to take it all back. I look at my time with you as wasted. Yes, wasted. Time I will never get back. Time I thought I was someone I wasn't and you were someone you most certainly weren't / aren't... The only thing I am thankful for is how strong you made me, but, I won't ever thank you for it. You don't deserve any satisfaction, from me especially.

Moving on has never felt better. I am only sad it took me so long to realize all of these things. It can only go up from here, someday you will be a faint, hardly painful memory. Someday I will be at peace with all of this and I will forgive you. Your actions- and only because if I don't I know I will suffer and you will be on doing whatever or whoever it is you do. The only peace I have is knowing someday you will get yours, and hey, if you don't, I am a stronger person and I learned a lot about myself and what I want.

Enough of you, you've wasted enough of my time.

Isn't this piercing amazing?! I WANT it. Like now.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

hello october :]

An impulse buy is called 'an impulse buy' and not 'a well thought out decision about what you really need in both the immediate and the long term' for a reason. So before you heed that impulse-of-the-moment and land yourself with an expensive and unnecessary item on the 1st and 2nd, consider carefully. Then reconsider. Then go home and think about it some more. In all likelihood, as soon as you step in the door you will realize your living room is complete without a stuffed life-sized plush giraffe doll whose neck is too tall for the ceiling, anyway. If it isn't immediately clear, it will probably become clear after a good night's sleep. Aren't you glad you aren't paying off that credit card charge? By the 5th and 6th -- when you really could use the money -- you'll be pretty thrilled you didn't make that unreasonable long-necked toy purchase. Focus on love on the 13th. A romantic relationship is, by definition, going to involve another person. So be sensitive to their needs on the 14th if you want it to work. Pay attention to your dreams on the 18th and 19th. You're super deep on the 24th. Which isn't always easy. Great news brightens your life on the 26th and 27th. Wrap up the month on the 31st by signing that contract.

Friday, September 30, 2011

blast from the past!

Tonight is Yelms homecoming football game. I can't believe I have been out of school for 4 years. So creepy. Where has the time gone? AH. Here are some pictures I found on my photobucket, a little blast from the past :)

Happy Friday.
xxo